I feel like I’ve isolated myself from my friends and family. I almost certainly have. In a way I feel like I have to choose that I did it to myself, or at the very least it’s not really anyone’s fault. In my worst times I feel its my own fault. But that answer feels incomplete, lazy. I wonder if certain past decisions caused it, but I’m have no clue what I’m even supposed to regret. I’ve been told I’m funny, nice to be around, things like that, did something change? Did I become too whiny, empty, shallow? Or did people distance themselves knowing I’m struggling so they don’t get hurt? Its something I think about every day waiting for someone to respond to one of my many, often built up messages. Sometimes I think its just the malnourshment, fear of getting kicked out, fear of certain bills not getting paid. I haven’t been the best person in the past, certainly, but I always thought my positive side of the karma table had more stuff. Maybe everyone is just too busy doing their own thing. Maybe I’m just so attention starved I’ve lost sight of how much human to human interaction is normal. I have good and bad days, but the bad ones are getting more frequent. My head sometimes feels like its not even my thoughts anymore, just a shell of what it used to be. As sit here, puffing my 5th of the day, I wonder what’s in store for me. Cause I’m nine days past due for rent and they’re not gonna let me live here forever.
I’m not telling all my friends everything, but when I do let them peak in, I’m not really looking for a solution or help most of the time. All I want is a ’that sucks, lets video and chat about something else for a bit’. Or at least some sort of response. I get more messages about issues with my public media server than asking how I’m doing. Occasionally, I just randomly turn off the wifi network I set up for my neighbor just so he comes over and I can talk to him for a bit, and he’s a crack addict.
Maybe it’s rooted in my weird, often bad, but definitely non trad childhood. Maybe it’s just reverberations from my past addictions. But I think now its just luck. I wouldn’t be here if I had a job right now. I applied to McDonalds and got rejected. What are you supposed to do after that? I don’t think I will ever truly be homeless in the future, but certainly I will lose the only couple of things I have left: my stuff, and my dignity. At least I don’t see a future without my cat.